Sunday, September 11, 2011

Mom Guilt.

[Unrelated note: I have composed at least 15 blog posts in my head.  This one I finally typed on my blackberry while nursing and emailed to myself :)  ]

Mom guilt. I've got a case of it. There are a few things that are weighing on my mind - most that I know really don't matter at the end of the day but they definitely feel like a big deal now.

I feel guilty about Grace. I feel like she is getting in trouble more and while I know it is because she is at that age and she is not obeying it FEELS like all of the sudden when the baby came home. She is also apparently on a bit of a hunger strike. I can't seem to get more than one healthy meal into her a day. I know she'll eat when she is hungry enough and eating cereal won't kill her, but again I hate the timing. We used to watch "shows" in the morning before I got up or right before nap or it seems like her brain is trained to want tv. I try to turn it on while I am nursing so she doesn't notice she is missing my attention, but I don't get the sweet cuddle time as much now. I am making a very conscience effort to put Abi down if she sleeps so I can focus on Grace. And today we DID play outside with chalk and bikes and bugs for 2 hours. She was a mess, it was fun!

I feel guilty with Abi because I just don't know what to do about breastfeeding. I feel like I am not seeing signs that she is getting enough from me...but I feel like every time I supplement with formula I am one step farther away from my goal. Since adding some formula her diaper counts are where they need to be and she is much calmer, but I feel like I am not "trying" hard enough. And since I feel like she is less and less content with me I want to scrap breastfeeding and just go to formula - but mentally I'm just having a rough time making these decisions. I have received great advice, tips and ideas...still don't know what to do.

I DO know
-both my girls are healthy.
- both my girls are happy.
- both my girls are not going to remember this phase.
- Grace will grow up with a sister and she'll never remember different.
- Abi will be fine either way.

Mom guilt: the realization that I have the power to mess with someone else's life and wondering if I'm making the right decisions.

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