Psalm 28:7 The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him.
Today is just one of those days. One of those days where I KNOW I need to trust the Lord and lean on Him but my heart and will say NO, do it YOUR way! I even did my quiet time about
Ephesians 6:10-13 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
So now I feel like that rebellious kid who knows what they are supposed to do but just won't do it. Why is turning things over to God so hard? What is it that makes me want to keep taking them back? I feel like I should be able to solve my own problems but know that it isn't always my responsibility - sure I am supposed to be faithful but I'm supposed to trust right? After all the Lord says over and over and over again that He is my Rock and my Provider, my Strength and my Shield.
On a mostly separate note I finally had my first pregnancy breakdown last night. With Grace my two memorable ones were:
- I'm going to have a kid. I'm going to be a mom. Who thought THIS was a good idea?
- You do realize that now this kid is going to have to come out of me right?!?
This time it has more to do with anxiety over splitting my time. At fireworks on Monday I was thinking about how next year maybe I can't hold both my girls and spend that amazing time with them. What if Baby wants to cuddle in the mornings too and how is that going to interrupt Grace's routine and our silly mornings with Sesame Street, toast and blankets? What happens when they don't want to do the same things at the same times (or heaven forbid don't sleep EVER at the same times)? What happens when Grace wants to go to story time but Baby is too young still? Catch my drift? I'm having second time mom anxiety. Which my mother says is normal. As a second child I'm glad my parents decided to fight these battles. I know it will all work out - logically I know that I can give them both what they need. It's just one of those things.
On a positive note, I was laying in bed last night and felt (could actually make out) an elbow inside of me. I rubbed Baby's arm for a moment through my tummy and thought what a miracle it is that God allows us to be a part of this process.
Ok, ramblings over, back to work.